Taken 3 Review

“My wife was taken from me…BY DEATH.”

It is midday. Birds are chirping, the sun is shining, and the sound of laughter drifts through the air as Liam Neeson sits. It is not a relaxed sit, however, as Liam Neeson knows that anything can happen at any moment. He knows that even if his buttocks graze a freshly cut lawn, he will still need to angle his body in order to maximize his gun-drawing quickness. After all, his enemies are lurking around the corner, stroking their weapons in anticipation of being punched right into the next movie.

But wait! Who is that, off in the distance? Usually, the men that populate Liam Neeson’s life are bearded, accent optional, but this man looks suspiciously like Lee Daniels’ The Butler. Why is Lee Daniels’ The Butler now a police officer, and why is he investigating Liam Neeson? Is that a crime scene? What is that he is picking up? Is that a BAGEL?

Yes, it is a bagel, and as his mouth explores the warm and toasty bread, he tilts his head as if to say: “Look at me eating the crime scene”. Lee Daniels’ The Butler is not shy about his bagel fetish, and his eccentricities are on full display as he fondles a chess piece with his experienced right hand. It is the same hand that pulls the trigger of a gun, but has he ever truly checkmated a criminal? Or, will he be a victim of the system, a man pulled into the dark hole at the center of a bagel?

Liam Neeson responds with an emphatic and terrifying: “Bitch, I got me some peach yogurt.” In between picking up a life size stuffed panda and finding out that sperm has fertilized Maggie Grace From Taken 2’s eggs, Liam Neeson has prepared for this moment. You see, peach yogurt is what leads Maggie Grace From Taken 2 straight to her father’s arms, arms that spring out from a bathroom stall faster than you can say “Famke Janssen Plot Point is dead!”

This is not a lovely situation. Lee Daniels’ The Butler and Liam Neeson are on a collision course, and not just in cars. Liam Neeson is leaving behind a trail of destruction devoid of R-rated blood, and Lee Daniels’ The Butler is eating bagels. Cut 1: when Lee Daniels’ The Butler eyes the bagel. Cut 2: when Lee Daniels’ The Butler eyes the other bagel. Cut 3: when Lee Daniels’ The Butler picks up the bagel. Cut 4: when Lee Daniels’ The Butler eats the bagel. And so it goes for the action scenes. “You shut your mouth!” Olivier Megaton yells as he jerks his handheld camera around a few times in order to increase the excitement of his fight scenes.

Olivier Megaton then dies in a car crash. As he is in the process of doing so, Maggie Grace From Taken 2 begins to cry, the salt from her tears eventually inserted into Lee Daniels’ The Butler’s bagel. And as the sun sets, we realize that Liam Neeson does not need a “particular set of skills” in order to save what was taken from him. What was taken from him was inside him the whole time, and the key to unlocking his heart was the same key that unlocked his door. The door led to Albania, but the door also led back to him.

GRADE: T4KEN

OTHER THOUGHTS:

-I really, really enjoyed the first movie. I enjoyed the second one less. I enjoyed this one even less.

–Taken 4 was essentially green-lit when this movie made $40 million at the box office on its first weekend.

SPOILER SECTION:

– “You know how I know you were innocent? The bagels were still warm. What kind of a person would go out and get warm bagels before they murder their ex-wife?” THIS IS THE BIG REVELATION OF THE MOVIE.

Photo credit: Taken 3, Europacorp

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