American Horror Story: Coven “Protect the Coven” Review (3×11)

15 Jan


What the hell?

What is this show even trying to accomplish? This, folks, is truly a perfect example of “throwing shit at the wall and watching as nothing sticks”. First off, how about some slave torturing? Why not? Hey, never mind that prior to this, LaLaurie’s character was actually about moving away from shit like that, and never mind that we don’t need to see another second of slaves strung up and sliced open; let’s throw it in there because lol. To think the LaLaurie-Queenie relationship was one of the aspects of the show I was once looking forward to.

But hey, if it was just that, I might be a bit more willing to go along with the episode. Hold on, though; this is AHS: Coven, and AHS: Coven obviously has to involve a scene in which Cordelia gouges out her eyeballs. If I wanted to see someone stab their eyeballs, I’d watch myself watching this episode. Oh, but it doesn’t stop there. Queenie’s back for some reason; I don’t exactly remember anything except for her pulling a bullet out of her body and then some shit and then she’s showing up at a funeral. Spalding’s also here again because no one stays dead–that just wouldn’t make any sense because shows are supposed to have no stakes at all, obviously–and because dolls. He needs to get out more.

And then there’s the Zoe and Kyle love-fest making an appearance, which is interesting considering if there’s any two people in the world with the least chemistry, it’s these two people. They have as much chemistry as a mutilated slave corpse and an interesting plot, and sex for them probably consists of Kyle gingerly rubbing his balls while Zoe cries in the corner. Oh, how I wish the episode ended with Madison just flipping over that bus. Thank God for Myrtle and her Epcot idea, or we’d be seriously lacking in any entertainment in this episode (knowing the show, we’ll probably open with a 15 minute sequence of Kyle and Zoe prancing around, lost, in the middle of nowhere while they make theme park-esque music with their mouths). This is just a euphemism for “They’ll blow each other”, because who knows where we go from here? Zoe’s probably going to reveal her six dicks next week or something.

Finally, am I supposed to believe that the Corporation witch-hunter dudes are going to come unprepared to a Very Important Meeting with some witches? Sure, I guess it’s fun watching people get chopped up, but now what are we left with this season? It’s not to say those dudes were particularly fascinating, but the Supreme storyline, once the most intriguing aspect of the show, is annoying as hell; literally anyone can be the Supreme, and that’s only a good thing if the show brings McDermott back and places him in that role. Why should I care about Fiona and the Axeman? Also, ha ha at the fact that Laveau merely gets pissed off at a knife through the heart, but is out cold after a knock on the head.

Anyway, yeah, this was not a very good episode.

GRADE: Ahahaha


-“Well, turds on that.” Kathy Bates is still at least mildly entertaining.

-I do think, though, that the scene in which the Corporation guys get chopped up is as entertaining as it can be; Angela Bassett and Jessica Lange act the hell out of that scene, and while we can see it coming from a mile away, the eventual violence has some fun moments. For example, I liked the shooting of a guy with a gun in a severed hand, and Harrison’s calm demeanor is great: “Go to hell, witch bitch.” *is killed by an axe*

-“Bena–” “NEVER SAY IT ALOUD.” As much as I’m scratching my head at Spalding’s return, the whole Benadryl situation was funny.

-“You’re the worst kind of Hollywood cliche – a bobblehead with crotchless panties.” Then, Madison proceeds to call Myrtle “Carrot Top” and a “dried up old Hot Pocket”.

-“In the fall, the rotting leaves smell like an Olympian’s ejaculate.”

-“A grown man taking pleasure in a doll baby. Unsavory!”

-It’s sad, really. I thought Asylum was brilliant TV; hopefully next season (a clue was embedded in this episode somewhere) will capture the magic of that second season.

Photo credit: FX, American Horror Story

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