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American Horror Story: Coven “Protect the Coven” Review (3×11)

15 Jan

ahs_0094

What the hell?

What is this show even trying to accomplish? This, folks, is truly a perfect example of “throwing shit at the wall and watching as nothing sticks”. First off, how about some slave torturing? Why not? Hey, never mind that prior to this, LaLaurie’s character was actually about moving away from shit like that, and never mind that we don’t need to see another second of slaves strung up and sliced open; let’s throw it in there because lol. To think the LaLaurie-Queenie relationship was one of the aspects of the show I was once looking forward to.

But hey, if it was just that, I might be a bit more willing to go along with the episode. Hold on, though; this is AHS: Coven, and AHS: Coven obviously has to involve a scene in which Cordelia gouges out her eyeballs. If I wanted to see someone stab their eyeballs, I’d watch myself watching this episode. Oh, but it doesn’t stop there. Queenie’s back for some reason; I don’t exactly remember anything except for her pulling a bullet out of her body and then some shit and then she’s showing up at a funeral. Spalding’s also here again because no one stays dead–that just wouldn’t make any sense because shows are supposed to have no stakes at all, obviously–and because dolls. He needs to get out more.

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