True Blood “Jesus Gonna Be Here” Review (7×01)

22 Jun

true-blood-trailer-final-season-7-dl1The last time we were in Bon Temps was during a time I would label “too soon ago”, but alas, here we are again, and it’s time for True Blood‘s seventh and final season. “Jesus Gonna Be Here” is an episode that opens the season in a way akin to me reciting phone numbers out of a phone book that’s been pissed on countless times. I don’t know exactly what that means, but I’ll go with it; interestingly enough, “I don’t know, but I’ll go with it” is the show motto!

Anyway, the season opens with a chaotic scene that looks like something out of a high school filmmaking class, complete with blood and running and more blood and blood leading to death because that happens sometimes, as well as Tara dying because why the hell not? I refuse to believe she’s dead, though, because this show is never able to kill off its characters and because Pam would’ve sensed it (look at me being all logical here).

Speaking of Pam, evidently the “cool” strategy these days is to keep your best characters away from what passes as the action. I can think of no scene in this episode that would not be better off with a flaming, naked Eric beating the crap out of various people, after which he would set them on fire with his dick or something. It’s clear that Pam genuinely wants to find him–the opposite of what Russian Roulette may suggest–so I hope it happens soon, because they definitely work well together and definitely should be having that three-way with the Devil at some point.

Of course, even though Pam’s off in who knows where, she’s still mildly entertaining. Sookie Stackhouse, on the other hand, is right in the thick of things, and she’s quite possibly the most annoying character I’ve seen on TV since the last time I saw Sookie Stackhouse. Hey, I guess it wouldn’t be True Blood without her walking home alone at night. It’s practically become a tradition now, and Alcide’s “Why did you do that, Sookie?” can be applied to literally everything she’s ever done ever.

The problem with the season’s focus on her is that it’s repeating many of the same character beats from before. Sookie can read your mind! Check. Sookie feels alienated! Check. Sookie has sex with some guy! Check. I understand the idea of exploring mob mentality vs. individualism, but you can’t do it when 1) your main character is insufferable, and 2) there’s not much conflict between the characters we know. Instead, it’s *EVERYONE WE LOVE!* against a nebulous enemy, one arising from a town that should’ve learned by now. Did the town of Bon Temps not watch True Blood?

It’s vaguely interesting when Andy and Bill’s relationship continues to be strained–although bet on that storyline not being expanded upon later on–or when James “They Switched Actors So I Don’t Know What the Hell Is Going On” Something and Lafayette have a heart to heart, or when Jessica is her usual endearing self, but any small moments will likely translate to a muddled whole. That’s True Blood for you, folks.

Finally, here’s my transcript of the Jason-Violet sex scene:


*They do so*

GRADE: S for…Sookie, no one cares about you


-Sam is a dog.

-The show’s really learned how to be anticlimactic, eh? I hope the next episode opens with everyone throwing stuff at Sookie.

-If Tara really is dead, that would be a giant middle finger to the audience, one which could’ve been killed at so many other times, but wasn’t.

-People whose names I never bothered to learn have been kidnapped.

-The Jessica-Adilyn dynamic isn’t bad, mostly because it’s Jessica.

-Seriously, WHERE’S ERIC?

-I genuinely hope this final season can bring back some of the things we loved about the show (hey, bring back Russell and have him terrorize the town again, for all I care; you wasted him the last time you brought him back, anyhow), but it probably won’t happen. Oh well. 9 weeks left.

-I probably won’t be regularly covering the season, considering next week marks the premiere of “The Leftovers”, and two weeks later brings “The Strain” and “Masters of Sex” (ugh, all in the same time slot). I’m kind of happy I’m not watching “Penny Dreadful or “Halt and Catch Fire” and that I’ve dropped “Falling Skies”, or else it’d be one crowded Sunday.

-I will definitely be back for the series finale, though.

Photo credit: HBO, True Blood

5 Responses to “True Blood “Jesus Gonna Be Here” Review (7×01)”

  1. TB150 June 23, 2014 at 7:22 am #

    If you don’t like this show then stop reviewing it, your a fucking douchebag. The only bad thing about this episode was Sookie, everything else worked well. So sick of everyone hating this show

    • polarbears16 June 23, 2014 at 10:12 am #

      I, too, get sick of people having opinions, because opinions suck, right?

      Thanks for the kind words!

    • louisoc June 24, 2014 at 10:04 am #

      *you’re, and I’m afraid you may have delusions of grandeur my friend

  2. disappearingwoman June 24, 2014 at 7:18 am #

    This review was perfect–I love the tone. My once beloved TB has become HBO’s clusterfuck. My viewing this season will be similar to slowing down my car when passing a multi-vehicle crash with obvious fatalities. I know what I see will suck, but I just can’t help looking to see if they’ve covered the bodies with sheets yet.

    • polarbears16 June 25, 2014 at 7:44 pm #

      Ha, that’s an awesome analogy! And thanks. I wish I didn’t have to use that tone, but it’s all I can muster up when I watch this now. Yet again, keeping a show on the air for too long hurts it; when will these networks ever learn?

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