My Son Became an Alien and Decided to Eat Me Review

When David Simon announced his movie follow-up to The Wire and Treme, I was a bit skeptical about it until he also brought on David Fincher. It has been scientifically proven, after all, that multiple Davids working on a project together guarantees that more than one David will be working on the project. And so, this film came together quicker than you can say “Why is Meryl Streep nominated again?”, and it was released to quite a bit of buzz at the Sundance Film Festival.

The people at Sundance loved the movie, but still booed the cast off anyway because they found it, and I quote, “fun and better than sex with my semi-attractive partner”. I have no idea how they connected it to sex, seeing as the filmmakers were very careful not to show any sex scenes (or any black people); after all, doing so would undoubtedly offend the Oscar voters.

When I went to see the movie, they showed us Crash beforehand in order to lower our expectations, and then they showed us an actual car crash afterwards to help us forget about Crash. I’m not sure it worked, though, as half the theater was filled with assholes on their phones who weren’t paying attention at all. As “My Son Became an Alien and Decided to Eat Me” began, I tapped one of the assholes on the shoulder, and he gave me a look as if to say “Touch me again, and I will attempt to strip you of your masculinity by making you cuddle up next to a puppy”. I touched him again, and he exploded.

The movie itself did not live up to my expectations, which were sky high because it had a cast consisting of Leonardo DiCaprio, Amy Adams, Jessica Chastain, Marion Cotillard, Jake Gyllenhaal, Giancarlo Esposito, Bryan Cranston, Daniel Day-Lewis, Tilda Swinton, Joaquin Phoenix, CGI Philip Seymour Hoffman, Amy Acker, Mads Mikkelsen, Walton Goggins, Jon Hamm, Louis CK, Amy Poehler as Leslie Knope, a piece of cheese, Ian McShane, Anna Torv, Kyle Chandler, Linda Cardellini, Kristen Bell, Michael Cudlitz, the entire The Wire cast, and Gwyneth Paltrow (oh wait, now I know why I was disappointed: Paltrow ruined everything, and I also blame her for my busted bracket).

Anyway, what I did love were the themes explored throughout the movie. What does it mean to be an alien? What does it mean to be a son? What does it mean to be eaten? How does it feel to get shit out of your son’s asshole? What does it feel like to be a piece of shit?*

*This was summed up nicely by a Ted Cruz interview halfway through the movie

Although the movie wasn’t as nuanced as I wanted it to be–at one point, Leonardo DiCaprio’s character, Sir Von Van Pooshkamoopitan, yelled out “My plight is frighteningly similar to the racial tensions in the country right now!”–it was still an enjoyable ride. You could really tell that Michael Bay was a consultant when there were explosions every few seconds, but the explosions still looked beautiful because Emmanuel Lubezki filmed it.

In the end, the beginning was just starting, and the movie expertly handled that aspect by putting the end credits first. It really says something about the film as a whole, though: too caught up in the future to appreciate the past, too enamored with the climax to enjoy the foreplay. It was a dark movie that pulled you in immediately, but once Jar Jar Binks entered the room, it was difficult to stay in.

GRADE: B-

SPOILER SECTION:

-The scene where Daniel Day-Lewis’s character fights the Terminator is really something else. It also parallels Pooshkamoopitan’s story: earlier, he fought the metal box, and now, the metal box has transformed.

-Amy Adams and Jessica Chastain making out? My prayers have been answered.

-The final shot–Louis CK staring quizzically at a sandwich–is very enigmatic, and I would appreciate any interpretations from you guys. Share in the comments.

Some of my favorite quotes:

“You want the truth? YOU CAN’T HANDLE MY PET DOG!”

“James, get the fire truck. We can’t put out a flame without something that puts out fire.” “Well, what about that fire hydrant over there?” “Fuck the fire hydrant!” “Okay!”

“You look like the underside of a burnt hammock.”

“If God made the world, then who made God?” “Your momma.”

“The only reason Deadwood was cancelled was because Ian McShane refused to say ‘cocksucker’ anymore.”

“You only live once, so living twice sure is a fuckin’ stretch.” “You’re a stretch!” “You bleached asshole, go bang your head against a steel door until you bleed out like my legos do sometimes.”

“I don’t like Adam Sandler.” “Please use a fact to support your argument.” “Adam Sandler sucks.” “Good job.”

“Your dick is as long as Kurt Sutter’s Sons of Anarchy montages.”

And my favorite exchange:

“Ants are cool!” “Fuck you, ants suck!” “Do you know ants’ feelings?” “I am well-endowed!” “Ants!” “ANTS!” “You bitch!” “ANTS ANTS ANTS!” “PIZZA!” “BLOCKBUSTER CLOSED BECAUSE OF YOU!”

Photo credit: Gawker.com

Tags: April Fools Day joke, My Son Became an Alien and Decided to Eat Me