Thank you, True Blood, for finally limping off the air after seven seasons, and thank you for doing it in quite possibly the worst way possible. Seriously, what is this? Does this show enjoy making its audience lower expectations so far that we can see the pile of shit that is the Dexter finale staring accusingly at us? Are the writers deliberately trolling the entire fan base, or are they legitimately horrible writers? I pick the latter. I have multiple seasons of evidence, after all.
Anyway, essentially what happens here is a wedding. Think of it this way: they give us a nice steak when Eric does his thing and dispatches the Yakuza members, but they replace the steak with a steaming pile of crap when, for some reason, one of the show’s most entertaining characters evidently serves his purpose within the first ten minutes of the episode. This is so bad that I feel like I’m watching an infomercial.
It’s not just Eric, though, who’s extremely underused in this finale. He and Pam have one of the most intriguing dynamics in the show, and if nothing else, they’re at least good for some snappy lines and violent fun. However, forget them, because by God, if you have an extra ten minutes to wrap up your series, you’re definitely going to want to spend it on a wedding between two people who essentially just met. Oh, those vampires and those sexually active young men. Young love, I guess. My heart is crying on the inside, although that feeling might be due to the fat I built up while almost falling asleep while watching this show.
We interrupt this review to bring you a message from Lafayette: __________________________
Apologies for the three second interruption. He’s an incredibly entertaining character, but give him more than three seconds on screen, and he becomes too fun for all you privileged viewers. Instead, let us now bring you back to the Sookie-Bill drama we know you love so much. See, they were there at the beginning of the series, and they’re here now, so…full circle, I guess? Ooh, shapes!
I’ll give the show some credit where credit’s due, though; they actually went through with killing off Bill, and they didn’t have him turn into a human. For a series that seemed to balk at the idea of killing off characters–the writers must’ve been sobbing and shaking as they typed “Terry is dead”–it’s actually a pretty great move. Of course, that “great move” serves as a nice foundation for pretty much nothing; the episode attempts some character development for Sookie there, what with the whole staking over faerie ball thing, but it all comes across as pointless and silly.
Also, doesn’t it seem a bit strange to attempt to develop a character who seems to have had the brain of a 10-year-old since season one? It’s exhausting watching Sookie Stackhouse go up to the Reverend to ask about the meaning of life or whatever the hell, and it’s truly fitting hearing her ask the following question: “Do you think some of us are mistakes?” “Yes,” the entire world answers. “You are, you idiot.”
Then, she follows up at the cemetery by spouting off some huge, supposedly cathartic monologue about love and family and being who she is and other bullshit. She even makes the profound, insightful statement: “Jason’s my brother and my parents are my parents.” Isn’t she wonderful? And, after the ever so exciting time jump, she’s pregnant! I’m assuming the father is Dexter Morgan, and I’m assuming that in order for a woman to be happy, she must have children. That is, after all, the insightful social commentary that this show is so well known for.
Sigh. As we pull away from Bon Temps for the last time, I’m hoping that everything just blows up. Alas, it’s not to be. Farewell, True Blood. I will forget you.
GRADE: D-
SEASON GRADE: C-
SERIES GRADE: C
OTHER THOUGHTS:
-Vampires can’t just do whatever during the day. The show seems to have forgotten that recently.
-Young Tara’s nicely cast.
-Bill is an asshole advice giver.
–Dexter, How I Met Your Mother, True Blood. Maybe Sons of Anarchy can add to that list.
-The final words of the series, I believe, are “What are you thankful for?” “Nothing.”
-Jessica’s pretty. That’s really all I have to say about the character.
-Sarah Newlin’s annoying, but Anna Camp is fun.
-Thank God. I thought Arlene was going to have a twenty-minute storyline or something.
-Charlaine Harris has a cameo.
-The worst thing the show ever did, aside from staying on for seven seasons, was wasting Christopher Meloni.
-Well, maybe also attempting to write some metaphor for gays into the scripts. True Blood trying to handle social issues is just no.
-That’s it, folks. Oh, how I wish we could be back in the days of Russell “We will eat your children” Edgington. The show was truly entertaining back then. How time flies, or, in this show’s case, slows to a standstill as you’re watching.
Photo credit: HBO, True Blood
Polar Bears Watch TV 
This was and excellent review and pretty much my sentiments exactly. I loved TB from season one through about the 4th episode of season four. After that, it’s been a total slow train wreck, yet I stuck it out. I made it through to the end; and this awful episode was my reward! LOL! By the way, where was the Charlaine Harris cameo? I’m assuming it was at the table at the end, but I was too busy hanging my head in disappointment to notice her!
Thanks! I completely agree.
The cameo was during the infomercial; she was working the teleprompter.
Thank you! I think I was busy looking at Eric! 🙂
I loved all the true blood years, they couldnt please everyone we all have our favorite ppl. I was happy , bill was tired and missed. His kids loved eric and pams ending
The finale made me hate Sookie even more. I nominate her for the worst character on TV!