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Nikki Finke, in the most idiotic way possible, reports Nelson Mandela’s death.

5 Dec

130625122348-mandela-carousel-use-only-horizontal-galleryFollowing the death of Nelson Mandela, one of the prominent figures in the struggle against racial oppression and the sickening clutches of apartheid, Nikki Finke, former Dateline Editor and current Ignorant Hollywood Blogger, took to Twitter to express her sadness over the death of someone she saw in a movie.

The tweet reads “R.I.P. Nelson Mandela, subject of Weinstein Co’s Idris Elba-starrer ‘Mandela: Long Walk To Freedom’ which opened Nov 29 and has awards buzz.” Of course, this is an entirely reasonable reaction to the death because, you know, decades in prison isn’t nearly as exciting as special effects, and a lifelong advocacy of human rights shouldn’t garner a shiny gold statue paid for by rich old white guys staring at movie screens all day.

But hey! She also later tweeted out a rebuttal to all the people–gah, those smart, respectful people…damn them!–who were ragging on her over the tweet: “I write about the entertainment biz. And that movie is a wonderful tribute to Nelson Mandela since it’s based on his autobiography.” I suppose you could chalk it up to blatant Hollywood blogger ignorance, but…you know what? Let’s do that; she wasn’t even correct about the quality of the movie.

Anyway, we all know now how she would’ve covered the myriad deaths we’ve had: RIP John F. Kennedy, subject of “JFK”, a really long movie that smartly utilized his initials in its title. RIP Adolf Hitler, antagonist of “Schindler’s List”, which had tremendous awards buzz. New York, city plagued by pollution and an overabundance of pizza parlors, and most recently seen in Broadway commercials, was just devastated by terrorist attacks. RIP Nikki Finke, person who liked seeing Nelson Mandela on her theater movie screen.

Photo credit: CNN.com

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R.I.P. Paul Walker, taken from us too soon.

1 Dec

131130213718-paul-walker-horizontal-galleryIt’s truly heartbreaking to see anyone taken from us this soon. Reports state that he was traveling in Valencia, California with an unidentified other when their car (the details are fuzzy at this time) either crashed or just plain exploded, killing both in a cruel moment of irony. The saddest part is, he was on the way to a humanitarian event; the world can be awful sometimes.

I’m not going to pretend he was my favorite actor or anything, but I thoroughly enjoyed him in the Fast and the Furious franchise, and I was definitely looking forward to the seventh. I also enjoyed Running Scared, which is definitely an underrated movie that features an underrated Walker performance. Still, putting aside his acting, he seemed like a truly humble, generous, and loving guy, and he will be missed. He’s the kind of person that never tried to revel in the spotlight because he never needed to; those are the kind of celebrities we need more of nowadays. R.I.P. Paul and whoever you were with. My thoughts are with both of you and your families.

Photo credit: CNN.com

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The MPAA is at it again, this time with “The Wolf of Wall Street” and “Charlie Countryman”

29 Nov

Film-Wolf of Wall StreetContinuing its trend of limiting the vision of various directors and producers, the MPAA is at it again, forcing several films–The Wolf of Wall Street and Charlie Countryman–to cut scenes of people doing things that everyone does at some point: having sex. Oh, the horror! Won’t you think about the kids?! I mean, sure, we can show a bunch of people getting their heads blown off, but show a nipple? Burn it all down!

This has been a persistent problem over the years, and sadly, we’re a culture that shies away from the apparent stigma that comes with being an adult; you know, I’d say most adults don’t encounter a triple-ax wielding monster in dark alleys at night, but DO have sex. Right now, we’re worried about shielding our kids’ eyes from naked bodies, and then we’re slapping a flimsy “I’m protecting them!” excuse on our blatant transgressions. Look, I’m not adopting a “They’re going to see it eventually” attitude; that’s the last thing I want. I just implore us to be realistic about these things.

Anyway, in the case of Scorsese’s new epic The Wolf of Wall Street, some of the film’s “abundant, explicit sex” had to be cut to receive an R rating, bringing the film’s running length down to 179 minutes from its original length of 654 minutes. At least 200 of those minutes featured Jonah Hill dancing naked on top of Leonardo DiCaprio’s facial hair while Kyle Chandler smirked off to the side.

In Charlie Countryman‘s case, Evan Rachel Wood took to Twitter to rant about the MPAA’s deletion of a scene in which Shia Labeouf performed oral sex on her; no word yet on Michael Bay’s interpretation of that scene, which probably involves big robots and explosions. As for Wood’s Twitter rant, even given the site’s 140-character limit, her epic diatribe against the MPAA spanned nearly ten tweets and didn’t lose its impact. Sincere kudos to her; head to https://twitter.com/evanrachelwood to see the whole thing.

Of course, sadly, our films will continue to acquiesce to the demands of the MPAA, and eventually, we’ll see NC-17 ratings on kids movies for depicting two cartoon dogs licking each other. Or something like that.

Credit to Red Granite Pictures and The Wolf of Wall Street for all pictures. I own nothing.

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Cinemax renews “Strike Back” for a final season of sexy explosions

28 Oct

627Cinemax announced today that its critically acclaimed show Strike Back has been renewed for a 10-episode final fourth/fifth season of explosions and sex. It will air in fall 2014, and once again, not enough people will watch it, instead electing to go out and spend time with people on their Friday nights; oh, the nerve.

Anyway, the final season will presumably once again not allow Stonebridge to have a sex scene, instead pushing him to the background to masturbate to Scott and whatever new woman he’s picked up. In addition, the “awesome action scenes with explosions and shooting” will be returning in a recurring role, consisting of the dispatching of a bunch of terrorists and Scott and Stonebridge prancing through a field of bodies in tutus while sipping strawberry lemonade. Scott will then choke on his straw, and Stonebridge will punt him off a bridge; this will segue into some more fantastic action scenes.

As disappointing as this news is, you can’t help but be grateful to Cinemax for allowing the show to go out on its own terms. If this were on Showtime, we would have 8 seasons of crap culminating in a final scene in which Scott and Stonebridge are working as lumberjacks for Kamali’s dead body.

Still, after the show ends, we at least still have Banshee and Cinemax’s other softcore porn series, entitled “Sexy Sex In A House” and “Let’s Go To Hawaii, Then Have Hot Sex”.

I will be covering the final season next fall. I’m looking forward to it; it should be fun.

Credit to Cinemax and Strike Back for all pictures. I own nothing.

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Community will return January 2nd to save NBC from ratings Hell.

18 Oct

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Due to the unsurprising failures of Ironside and Welcome to the Family, as well as the general awfulness of NBC as a whole, it was announced today that the beloved sitcom Community would return on January 2nd with a one hour premiere. So, two days after getting drunk on New Year’s Eve, we can all sit down and watch, all six of us.

Nevertheless, that is better than the half of a person that watched Ironside and Welcome to the Family, but enough about those shows because they’re already sinking to the bottom of the ocean along with Blair Underwood’s remains.

Of course, although this is good news, that also means we won’t have new Parks and Recreation episodes for three weeks, as NBC has decided to throw The Voice and whatever other crap they want into the 8 pm hour. Parks will return on Nov. 14, and it will move to 8:30 on January 9th.

Community will most likely run its first seven episodes, then take three weeks off for the Olympics before airing its final six of the season. This is good, as three weeks off is better than the thirteen they took off last season. Also, the show will have to be renewed for a sixth season and a movie, or all will not be right in the world.

Finally, as NBC likes to mess with us every chance they get, today is October 18th. It’s not October 19th like it should be.

In other news, Brooklyn Nine-Nine was renewed. This is good.

Credit to NBC and Community for all pictures. I own nothing.

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Michael Bay deserved to be attacked, so he was.

17 Oct

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While on the set of Transformers: Age of Extinction, director Michael Bay was almost assaulted with an air conditioning unit, an object so random that only Michael Bay would warrant it. The story went something like this:

1. Three men were harassing the crew.

Michael Bay insert: And there were like, six explosions, and a lot of people died and the whole city blew up!

2. After Bay refused to pay the money the men were demanding, one of them tried to attack him with an AC unit.

Bay insert: And I introduced a woman character, and although she ended up being undeveloped and merely exploited for her looks, I kept her around because I like money!

3. The security team subdued the man after Bay disarmed him.

Bay insert: And I dispatched the security team because I wanted the dudes all to myself, if you know what I mean. So, after I finished having passionate sex with them, I kicked their asses and blew up a bomb somewhere! And a freaking humongous ship flew into the building! HOLY SHIT I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT BUILDING THAT WAS AND THE SHIP WAS THE TITANIC!

But really, this was an event clearly symbolic of Michael Bay’s tendency to ruin movies. The man demanding the money was representative of the American public as a whole, as Michael Bay really doesn’t deserve any of the money he’s made in his life.

It took a while for anyone to figure out what was going on (this was a Michael Bay thing, after all), but the good thing is that Bay escaped unscathed. That way, someone else can assault him with a bigger air conditioner.

Credit to no one for that picture, because who likes Michael Bay?

 

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Glee to end next season after competing in Regionals for the millionth time

17 Oct

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Ryan Murphy announced today that the next season of Glee would be its last. The singing show that involves lots of people singing and making out is currently in its fifth season of people singing, and the singing will finally come to an end next year. 

Murphy stated that “The final year of the show, which will be next year, was designed around Rachel and Cory/Finn’s story…I always knew that, I always knew how it would end. I knew what the last shot was, he was in it. I knew what the last line was—she said it to him. So when a tragedy like that happens, you sort of have to pause and figure out what you want to do, so we’re figuring that out now.”

Of course, he could’ve just as likely been talking about American Horror Story, as Ryan Murphy never makes any sense and has a twisted, idiotic mind.

Most likely, the final season will consist of yet another Regionals, and the Sectionals will become Sectionaled Regionals and the Regioned Regionals will become sections of the Sectionaled Sectionally Regionally Regionals. Also, more singing. The final scene will also presumably just be Rachel talking to a cardboard cutout of Cory Monteith and bawling her eyes out, and the last line of dialogue will be “You’re in heaven now, and I’m still stuck on this show.” 

Credit to FOX and Glee for all pictures. I own nothing.

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Charlie Hunnam realizes what he got himself into, backs out of “Fifty Shades of Grey”

12 Oct

627Charlie Hunnam in a leather jacket, which he would’ve used freely in this movie ^^

After initially mistaking his “Fifty Shades of Grey” role as one in which he gets to play a Kaiju in the bedroom, Charlie Hunnam has finally realized that no, he is not the right person for the job. After arriving on set and being asked to engage in, and I quote “Sexy stuff with sexy toys”, he went home and rummaged through his trash to find his mother’s copy of the book. He flipped to page (inset literally any page) and started reading, then immediately got an erection and threw the book into a cauldron of his blood and tears.

Universal, the production company for the movie, released a statement stating

The filmmakers of Fifty Shades of Grey and Charlie Hunnam have agreed to find another male lead given Hunnam’s immersive TV schedule which is not allowing him time to adequately prepare for the role of Christian Grey.

This statement tells us two false things: 1) Charlie Hunnam was made by a filmmaker, and 2) Charlie Hunnam has an immersive TV schedule. Hunnam apparently spends every second of his day perusing “Sons of Anarchy” scripts and smoking joints with Kurt Sutter, and therefore cannot prepare for his role. Or, the statement most likely means

Charlie Hunnam would be terrible as Christian Grey and he wouldn’t even prepare for it anyway and he has a stupid American accent.

No word yet on Dakota Johnson, but she will presumably be leaving just as soon as she comes to her senses and decides to pass on her role to a more “respected” actress (as if anyone would still be respected after engaging in softcore porn on screen for 2 hours).

Credit to FX and Sons of Anarchy for all pictures. I own nothing.

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“Mad Men” final season to be split in two, and AMC executives let out a collective sigh of relief

17 Sep

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In just one of the steps leading up to a world in which every single TV season is split into two, yet is called one season, AMC has decided to split Mad Men’s final season in two. AMC executives reportedly spent about 6 seconds deliberating, then made this decision while rolling in piles of money and giggling like little schoolchildren. In a statement read to the press, AMC president Ilike Money announced, “Because we’re AMC and our new shows suck, we’ve decided to do this because we don’t like sucking. We also like Emmys.” AMC will spend the next couple years holding onto Mad Men as they drown in a sea of mediocrity, and will probably renew “The Walking Dead”, and its spinoff, for at least 36 more seasons.

Each half-season will consist of 7 episodes, with the first batch titled “The Beginning” and the second batch titled “The End of an Era”.  So, the first batch will presumably be just a bunch of clip shows of Don Draper as a kid, frolicking around in a whorehouse while gaping at naked women. The second batch will consist of seven episodes of Matthew Weiner feeding his child, Ego.

“We plan to take advantage of this chance to have a more elaborate story told in two parts, which can resonate a little bit longer in the minds of our audience,” Weiner said, in a statement that makes no sense because they could’ve easily just have slapped “The beginning of the end of an era” on the final season and told an elaborate story that resonated in the minds of their audience. This is a show that usually takes a couple episodes to really get going, so by the time each really gets going, we’ll already be at the finale.

Anyway, I guess it’s time to speculate who’s going to end up on the toilet in Season 7A’s finale. Or, maybe an army of Bob Bensons will destroy everyone before we can get a chance to say goodbye.

Or, maybe Jon Hamm will finally get that Emmy he deserves.

“Not a chance.” -Emmy voters

Credit to AMC and Mad Men for all pictures. I own nothing.

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PTC condemns “Sons of Anarchy” season premiere because they don’t have anything better to do with their lives

12 Sep

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Today, the Parents Television Council (also known as the GOPA, or Group of Pretentious Assholes) decided to use their oh so wonderful 1st Amendment rights to petition Congress for what is essentially a Constitutional amendment. For a TV show.

Oh yes, this group of rambunctious little worrywarts is back at it again, releasing a statement today that reads, “The Parents Television Council is calling on its members to contact Congress to express the urgent need for a consumer cable choice solution in response to the violent and sexually graphic premiere of FX’s Sons Of Anarchy, which featured a young boy committing a school shooting, simulated rape scenes, torture of women, and a man who was drowned in a bathtub of urine”, which essentially means “We didn’t like the episode, so we want everyone to conform to our highly idealistic and narrow-minded view of television in general.”

What a hoot! Last I checked, parents decided what their kids could and couldn’t watch, not a group of idiots that are getting more attention than they deserve (I’m writing an article about them, for God’s sake). What’s next? Criticizing Game of Thrones, Hannibal, or pretty much all of TV? I’m so glad there’s a council out there telling adults how to act.

Of course, all members of this group probably watch these shows in a dark room somewhere, smoking joints, giggling, and slapping each other with balloon animals. They’re so distracted that they don’t seem to notice the “TV-MA” and the “VIEWER DISCRETION ADVISED” and the “THIS PROGRAM CONTAINS VIOLENCE, LANGUAGE, SEXUAL SITUATIONS, AND NUDITY, WHICH ARE THE EXACT THINGS WE’RE CRITICIZING” disclaimers, four or five of which accompany each episode of every show on the network.

The show is on cable and at 10 pm, and it’s not a show for tiny, messy kids with inferiority complexes. Of course, going by that definition, that’s the equivalent of saying it’s not a show for the PTC.

Credit to FX and Sons of Anarchy for all pictures. I own nothing.

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